I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
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