Acid is not a monday night drug
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
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