wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
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