so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
