I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Then you guys just all showered together...?
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
Randomize
