Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Randomize
