I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
