The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Randomize
