last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Awesome. Ask her out.
Nope. She's got a detail of ed hardy security around her.
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
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