Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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