i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
