You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Randomize
