I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Randomize
