You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
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