Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
