I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
Randomize