we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
try to milk me bitch
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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