So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
Randomize
