You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
Randomize