well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
This beer is not sobering me up at all
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
