i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Randomize
