Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
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