Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
her facebook's as public as her vagina
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
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