if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
