Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
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