Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
Randomize
