i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
You should frame my arrest warrant.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
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