My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
Randomize