I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
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