Why dose there have to be another girl there for you to do this?
its hotter. Way hotter.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
