I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
