Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Randomize
