I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Randomize
