If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
