I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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