My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
