I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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