last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
