he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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