Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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