just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
