my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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