1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
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