you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize