he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
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