once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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