she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
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