i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
