Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
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