I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Randomize
