so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Randomize
