so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
Randomize
