Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize