I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
Randomize
