There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
