Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
Randomize
