We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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